i know it's my fault for the disagreements we have. i am so sorry for that. but u don't have to mention 'that word', especially it was said just before i was about to step into my office early in the morning. the timing is so wrong and this is the least expected word that i will hear from u. or rather, i have never expected to hear it.
i was so stunned and speechless when i heard it, and i was a few steps away from the door of my office. i could feel my heart 'constricted' at that instance, same time, helpless. it was so hurting too. before my mind could decide what to do for the next instance, i found my body moving closer to the door and i ended the call right before i tapped my access pass to enter the office. my mind still in a mess. then i heard my colleague cheerfully greeted morning to me. i found myself smilingly greeted back to her. i felt so ironic after i settled in my work station. how did i manage to do that? super messy feelings...
when u called again shortly after i settled in, i was debating whether to pick up. again, before my brain could made any decision, i picked up the call. i couldn't decide where to go to answer your call - definitely not at my desk as i didn't want everyone to know about it. for once, i was firmed that i was not going out again as i had just came in. eventually i went to pantry. thankfully that there was no one at that time. i didn't want to continue to 'quarrel' as i know more ugly and hurting words will come out from each other's mouth. thus, i was trying to end the call as soon as i can. u might be thinking that i was escaping or avoiding this topic. but i really didnt think that it was a good time to continue.
it felt like all the above happened at lightning speed. i was really lost and helpless, but i was not able to have time to process what had really happened until lunch time. i was so tied up with work that i really had no time at all to get affected by what u said. i was like a robot with no feelings. putting 100% focus on work really can allow u to forget whatever unhappiness that had occurred. it was like until lunch time that i got to process what had happened. however, lunch time was short. i returned and continued to work like robot. u know how tough is it to juggle this? i wanted so much to continue, but i cannot just abandoned my deadline-tight task and go home or go toilet to sort out my thinking or cry. i simply could not afford to do this.
....你说的话 在我心中生了根....
it was not the word that affected me. it was how u mentioned them. i admit that it was the word that really affected me in the first place but as i started to organise my memory, i realised it was not the case. don't ask me what exactly is it as i myself is still figuring out at this point of time. i know that u said it out of pique and u really didn't mean it. but what was said had been said. the 'injury' has been inflicted.
i am independent but that doesn't mean i am emotionally strong. these are 2 different issues. when u called me at night to explain as well as to clarify further with me, i understand what u were trying to say. but with so limited time to ponder what had happened and to sort out my thinkings for the day, especially after a long tiring day at work during this tough period, i really need more time to get over it. i appreciate ur waiting.
哭過就好了
詞: 姚若龍 曲: 陳小霞
不喜歡懷疑什麼 並不表示我沒有感受 看你微妙的變化 慢慢不同 我不是生氣 只是心痛
最討厭被誤會了 但越解釋越覺得難過 你可以説人會變 但不能説 你會這麼做是我的錯
哭過就好了 傷都會好的 這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨 愛是為了擁抱 為了牽手 不是為了爭吵 為了調頭
哭過就好了 痛都會走的 記憶有限 所以它會淘汰壞的 失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀 還是謝謝你讓我長大了
越多美好堆疊的過往 想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷 要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上 但它一定在我身上某個地方
this is not a post to 'target' or 'pinpoint' u. this is my blog which records things that happened in my life - be it be a minor thing or major event. i just want to write out my feelings. that's all. i really do not mean to make u feel bad again.
i hope this is the first and will be the last time i hear that word. i don't want to get this kind of 'hurt' again. thank u...
and sorry to sound so distance - this is my current mood as at 30 Sep 2010.
i need more than 24hrs a day, so that i can do my own things oso..
work (+travelling) already takes up 12hrs liao.. this is a conservative calculation..
12hrs gone, left another 12hrs...
6hrs for slp, so left another 6hrs..
within this 6hrs, i need to spend time eating, reading newspaper/watch tv, then bathing, sometimes i got more time online.. sometimes, when i dun have time, i read as i watch, online as i watch tv.. haha..
sad, need to multi task even at home.. cannot relax.. hurhur.. cannot even do things leisurely..
then i still need to do some housework (as n when is needed) or some work stuff (nowadays is a norm liao) or some studies.. haiz.. so tired, both mentally n physically..
sometimes, all these eat into my slping time.. sobz..
then i m so piggy, 6hrs or less is not enough at all!!!
this post has been stucked in my 'draft' inbox for quite some time.. cos i dun really have a time to sit down n write.. haha.. so, pls note that this will be quite a long post.. it's supposed to be a summary post for my Aug.. now already mid Sep liao.. hahah..
oh ya.. as i m writing as of today, 19 Sep.. i suddenly recalled that today marks the 2nd yr of working life as a perm.. so fast.. but at the same time, i feel like i've been working for many yrs liao.. lol.. the worklife has really made me feel that i m not that young anymore.. i got tired more easily.. as such, there are quite a number of things which i wanted to do, but ended up no time, no energy to do.. sigh...
anyway, back to the focus of this post:
August = wat a month.. full of ups and downs.. got joys, laughters n anger.. super busy mth indeed..
=angriest moment in my work life=
i was informed abt the job rotation on 10aug (note the word 'informed') on 11aug, my ex-colleague told me that she saw a job ad which is quite similar to my job scope. she thought either my buddy or myself is leaving the company, hence got this ad. at that point of time, i was boiling mad... it is so rare that they acted so fast in hiring new staff.. it's the very next day u know?!
i was not given a chance to say 'no' to this job rotation at all!! regardless i agree or not, they will still go ahead with the hiring of my replacement.. i feel sooooooo not being respected.. hated the way they handled this case.. not that job rotation is not good - i am quite supportive of this as i can learn new things and at the same time, i am already quite sick of my current job scope.. but.. what if i am not ready for this job rotation? what if i am not agreeable? there is really no chance of saying 'no'.. so angry..
so now, i'm doing my current job, learning my new job scope - doing abit hand-ons and getting training.. hope my replacement will come in by oct.. otherwise.... haiz.... i hope it wont come to the stage where i need to work both scope.. will get crazy de!! replacement better come in by end of sep, so that i can handover my things to her while i am in my current position.. otherwise, it will be quite tough for me to handover while i am working on my new portfolio.. haiz..
anyway, as of today, heard my replacement is coming in mid-Oct.. and i am changing my workstation on 1 Oct.. so this will mean from now till my replacement is in, i am doing both my current and new portfolio.. crazy!! if my current portfolio has not been so overloaded, i am still ok with this.. but now, it's peak period for my current portfolio ler *pout* i have been working OT for the last week, with no breaks at all (except for lunch).. so exhausting.. morning do my work, after lunch go for training, after training ended, it is usually near knockoff time, but i couldn't go as i need to clear some of my current work, otherwise it will pile up.. haiz.. should i be grateful that my replacement is not here yet - as i do not need to make time to teach her my current job?
as i am already super busy during working hours, so meaning to say, i need to burn some of my weekends to prepare the handover document for my replacement.. sianz... so reluctant to do!!
think i've grumbled enough.. got to stop here.. otherwise, this will become a grumble post.. haha..
=sweet bday surprises=
had wonderful surprises from dear dear..
he appeared outside my house at 12am with a bouquet of roses, followed by a cake then a big teddy bear =) he said that the bear can keep me company while he is away for 2 mths (still got 2+ wks to go!).. hee.. anyway, the only thing that spoilt the whole atmosphere was - he put the exact no. of candles on the cake!! so 'insensitive' =p
on the night of my bday, he brought me to this atas dining place, he didnt want to let me know the venue, only to inform me to wear nicer. hmmm.. but as we are reaching the car park, i roughly know the dining place liao, still i remained as i'm unaware.. hee.. i think he knew i know liao =x the atmosphere of the dining place was so good that at that point of time, i thought i am a 千金小姐.. lol.. beautiful sceneric view, delicious and exquisite dishes and most importantly, dear dear is with me ^^
=happy gatherings=
Aug is always a happening mth.. that's y it's also one of my fav months! hee..
there are many Aug babies around me esp in our P&Ps grp.. keke.. so we have 2 bday gatherings together.. so fun to gather together lo.. but the fun time is always so short *pout*
besides bday gatherings, i met up with my ex-colleague too.. did some catch ups and chatting.. feel sorry for her that she was backstabbed by her colleague thus, ended up being asked to leave after a few mths work there only.. that colleague of her is so horrible! luckily, she has been offered a few jobs now.. all sound much better than that horrible workplace..
had a few ktv sessions too.. so happy =) (sidetrack: i seriously need 1 now.. so stressed!! who wants to go with me? pls pardon my awful singing.. hehe..)
oh.. there was a team bonding cooking session in Aug.. but i've missed it as i was sick.. so sad =(
=jap exam=
i was soooo not confident taking the Int4 exam.. worried that i will fail it.. cos i didnt have much time doing revising.. luckily, i managed to pass it with a very borderline scoring.. haiz..
i've thought of stopping at this stage due my result is so poor and i dunno if i managed to squeeze out time, but, if i stopped here, it will be quite wasted? oso, there is a mth before the next level, i can use this time to catch up.. so i decided to advance to the next level.. which i quite regretted now.. haiz.. i think i'll be super busy with work next mth.. wl~ i think i'll need a year to complete PA1.. haiz..
=jap trip=
yeah! it's confirmed.. so looking forward to it, but at the same time, dun want it to come so fast..
all becos of the stupid job rotation which upset my whole plan.. 1st, it upset my Jap class, then helping with the preparation for Bro's wedding, then the whole mini renovation/tidying of house.. now this trip.. haiz..
with the new job scope, my peak period is always mid mth.. i hope i can clear as much as possible.. as there is no one to cover my job except for my new sup who is always tied up with work.. i have not officially applied leave as the approving sup is still my current de.. or maybe i shld go ahead to apply? anyway, i have verbally mentioned to my new sup, all she said is that i need to make sure i have finished all the letters/contracts that are supposed to submit to payroll (by 15th) before i go.. looking at the calenday, 15 Dec is a Wed, which means I have to settle all those by 10 Dec, Fri but usually it'll be quite hard.. cos approvals etc usually come in nearer to 15 Dec.. gosh.. jialat.. maybe i shld go to work on 11Dec, Sat to see how much more i can clear.. hmmm..
back to topic.. i know this trip will be very enjoyable unless anything crops up *touch wood*.. keke.. abit pity is that we are only going for 7 days.. cannot go too many places otherwise it will be quite rushing, then might as well go for package tour which will be cheaper overall.. hurhur.. hopefully can catch a glimpse of snow during the stay there.. hehe..
anyway, i think i'll be very broke after this trip.. haha.. i'm starting my saving plan for this trip though.. hopefully can offset abit..
Jolyn_Jielin
*came to earth on 02aug
*not a typical leo
*obessed with stars and star-related stuffs
*likes 'mouth-less' kitty
*current status : still as busy
Desires
eArn lots $$
sLim doWn
dream car
find my prince
learn music instruments
learn languages
travel around the world
