Thursday, September 30, 2010
i know it's my fault for the disagreements we have. i am so sorry for that. but u don't have to mention 'that word', especially it was said just before i was about to step into my office early in the morning. the timing is so wrong and this is the least expected word that i will hear from u. or rather, i have never expected to hear it.
i was so stunned and speechless when i heard it, and i was a few steps away from the door of my office. i could feel my heart 'constricted' at that instance, same time, helpless. it was so hurting too. before my mind could decide what to do for the next instance, i found my body moving closer to the door and i ended the call right before i tapped my access pass to enter the office. my mind still in a mess.
then i heard my colleague cheerfully greeted morning to me. i found myself smilingly greeted back to her. i felt so ironic after i settled in my work station. how did i manage to do that? super messy feelings...
when u called again shortly after i settled in, i was debating whether to pick up. again, before my brain could made any decision, i picked up the call. i couldn't decide where to go to answer your call - definitely not at my desk as i didn't want everyone to know about it. for once, i was firmed that i was not going out again as i had just came in. eventually i went to pantry. thankfully that there was no one at that time. i didn't want to continue to 'quarrel' as i know more ugly and hurting words will come out from each other's mouth. thus, i was trying to end the call as soon as i can. u might be thinking that i was escaping or avoiding this topic. but i really didnt think that it was a good time to continue.
it felt like all the above happened at lightning speed. i was really lost and helpless, but i was not able to have time to process what had really happened until lunch time. i was so tied up with work that i really had no time at all to get affected by what u said. i was like a robot with no feelings.
putting 100% focus on work really can allow u to forget whatever unhappiness that had occurred. it was like until lunch time that i got to process what had happened. however, lunch time was short. i returned and continued to work like robot. u know how tough is it to juggle this? i wanted so much to continue, but i cannot just abandoned my deadline-tight task and go home or go toilet to sort out my thinking or cry. i simply could not afford to do this.
....你说的话 在我心中生了根.... it was not the word that affected me. it was how u mentioned them. i admit that it was the word that really affected me in the first place but as i started to organise my memory, i realised it was not the case. don't ask me what exactly is it as i myself is still figuring out at this point of time. i know that u said it out of pique and u really didn't mean it. but what was said had been said. the 'injury' has been inflicted.
i am independent but that doesn't mean i am emotionally strong. these are 2 different issues. when u called me at night to explain as well as to clarify further with me, i understand what u were trying to say. but with so limited time to ponder what had happened and to sort out my thinkings for the day, especially after a long tiring day at work during this tough period, i really need more time to get over it. i appreciate ur waiting.
哭過就好了
詞: 姚若龍 曲: 陳小霞
不喜歡懷疑什麼 並不表示我沒有感受
看你微妙的變化 慢慢不同
我不是生氣 只是心痛
最討厭被誤會了 但越解釋越覺得難過你可以説人會變 但不能説 你會這麼做是我的錯
哭過就好了 傷都會好的
這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨
愛是為了擁抱 為了牽手不是為了爭吵 為了調頭
哭過就好了 痛都會走的
記憶有限 所以它會淘汰壞的失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀
還是謝謝你讓我長大了
越多美好堆疊的過往
想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷
要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上
但它一定在我身上某個地方
this is not a post to 'target' or 'pinpoint' u. this is my blog which records things that happened in my life - be it be a minor thing or major event. i just want to write out my feelings. that's all. i really do not mean to make u feel bad again.
i hope this is the first and will be the last time i hear that word. i don't want to get this kind of 'hurt' again. thank u...
and sorry to sound so distance - this is my current mood as at 30 Sep 2010.
Labels: us
11:51 pm
